Hi Dear,
Been spending most of time today reading those investment blogs. Really interesting reading.
Many of them are still in their early 20s. Some are even still in uni. But they have already started with all their financial planning. I feel so embarassed. Here I am in my late 30s but yet have nothing if not for those that you have left.
If you were here and I shared this with you, I can imagine how you will respond. You will either laugh at me or either mock me. I really have been living in my own world for a very long time. A very selfish world full of myself. It's time for me to wake up and face the reality. I need to take that little step. It will be tough but I know no matter where you are, you will be there for me. How I miss you. How I wish I could turn back the time. How I...How I...There are so many things that I want to do with you. I miss you deeply. This will be my deepest regret in my whole life.
It will take me time to get over it but I have to forgive myself and move on.
I decided I should buck up and be a real human. The more I think and the more I read, seems insurance might be the suitable industry I need to be in right now. I can learn on the financial planning and at the same time build the income to sustain the family. I do not wish to have a major adjustment to the lifestyle of the children.
At the same time I will start on read up and do some investment as well. Maybe started with low risk investment such as ETF. Current market is on the low side but haven't hit the bottom yet. I will need to wait for some time before I place my choice.
Things that I need to do :
1. Lose weight ( at least 10kg. Target 20kg).
My health is giving red light. Stamina is no longer there. I seriously need to improve on my health.
2. Start on financial planning
To set target on income to achieve
To control on expenses
To invest
3. Spend more time with the children
Manage my temper and have more patient to deal with the eldest
That's all I can think of now. Will update on the progress.
Love you and will always love you
Thursday 18 February 2016
Wednesday 17 February 2016
New activities
How are you, dear? I really need to get my life back on track again. I have been wasting my time doing nothing. Ya, if you were here, you will definitely give me a good scolding. Honestly, I was kind of relief when I no longer will hear your scolding, but as time goes by, I started to miss it. Now and then, when I was about to decide on something, I will think of you.
If you were here, will you approve on my doing or will you scold me instead? Or will you give me a better suggestions. You are always the thinker. You are always the one who makes the best decision.
You tends to think far ahead. Now I'm so lost. I have no confidence in the decision that I make.
What if it's the wrong one? What will be the implication? But I can no longer can avoid all these. I used to push it to you to decide because I know you always make the best decision.
Now I am on my own. I have to grow up. I have 3 young kids under my care. I need to be responsible for their future. Thinking of this really horrifies me. It scares the hell out of me. I have lost all those confidence along the years. I need to find it back. I know somewhere out there you will be there for me. You will always be there for me. I need to pick the courage to move on. I won't be alone as you have prepared for us the foundation. We just need to continue. Thank you, dear. Thank you for always planning for us. I know how frustrated it must have been to you to have me as your spouse. Who can't share your burden. It must be very tiring to you and that is why you have no will to live on.
I don't want to dwell in the past. Nothing can be undone. I can only do the best to continue what you have started. I need to be strong and responsible. I need to have all the positive energy to keep me going on. Your spirit will guide me, I believe that. Your love to us will never be gone. It's still here and always with us.
It has been a hard time for me to find a job that is suitable for me. I realise finance industry especially accounting no longer suitable for me. With the family commitment that I am having right now, I really need to consider whether I should continue or switch line instead. Some friends have been asking me to join them in insurance industry. I know you will be so mad at me if I decided to join. But comes to think about it, it might suit me at the moment. It offers flexibility in terms of time and money. I need more time with the children and at the same time I need to earn as much as I can as now I'm the sole breadwinner. I am still hesitant at this point of time. I really hope you can be a guidance to me whether I should switch the line or continue to apply for the same job until I find a suitable one.
Today I start to look into stock market as well. It has been quite some time that I do not monitor the market. The stock pricing has indeed changed a lot. Some has gone up far from the last time I traded. And some has fallen far down. Recently the market has shown some signs of economic slow down. Stocks have suffered some though some still stay strong. I am thinking to invest some of it in the stock. I am so helpless now. I have so many things to consider and decide but you are nowhere near me to give me your opinion and advice. At the moment like this, I miss you terribly.
Wherever you are, may you be happy and always protect our family. I love you and I really do.
If you were here, will you approve on my doing or will you scold me instead? Or will you give me a better suggestions. You are always the thinker. You are always the one who makes the best decision.
You tends to think far ahead. Now I'm so lost. I have no confidence in the decision that I make.
What if it's the wrong one? What will be the implication? But I can no longer can avoid all these. I used to push it to you to decide because I know you always make the best decision.
Now I am on my own. I have to grow up. I have 3 young kids under my care. I need to be responsible for their future. Thinking of this really horrifies me. It scares the hell out of me. I have lost all those confidence along the years. I need to find it back. I know somewhere out there you will be there for me. You will always be there for me. I need to pick the courage to move on. I won't be alone as you have prepared for us the foundation. We just need to continue. Thank you, dear. Thank you for always planning for us. I know how frustrated it must have been to you to have me as your spouse. Who can't share your burden. It must be very tiring to you and that is why you have no will to live on.
I don't want to dwell in the past. Nothing can be undone. I can only do the best to continue what you have started. I need to be strong and responsible. I need to have all the positive energy to keep me going on. Your spirit will guide me, I believe that. Your love to us will never be gone. It's still here and always with us.
It has been a hard time for me to find a job that is suitable for me. I realise finance industry especially accounting no longer suitable for me. With the family commitment that I am having right now, I really need to consider whether I should continue or switch line instead. Some friends have been asking me to join them in insurance industry. I know you will be so mad at me if I decided to join. But comes to think about it, it might suit me at the moment. It offers flexibility in terms of time and money. I need more time with the children and at the same time I need to earn as much as I can as now I'm the sole breadwinner. I am still hesitant at this point of time. I really hope you can be a guidance to me whether I should switch the line or continue to apply for the same job until I find a suitable one.
Today I start to look into stock market as well. It has been quite some time that I do not monitor the market. The stock pricing has indeed changed a lot. Some has gone up far from the last time I traded. And some has fallen far down. Recently the market has shown some signs of economic slow down. Stocks have suffered some though some still stay strong. I am thinking to invest some of it in the stock. I am so helpless now. I have so many things to consider and decide but you are nowhere near me to give me your opinion and advice. At the moment like this, I miss you terribly.
Wherever you are, may you be happy and always protect our family. I love you and I really do.
Sunday 14 February 2016
Happy Valentine's Day
It has been over a month that I did not write anything on this blog. Time flies. It flies in a blink of eye. How am I coping? I try not to think about you. Try not to relate anything to you. Tough but I manage to pass by another month without you.
This year is the first Chinese New Year without you. Ever since you are no longer around, there is no longer festive mood in the house. The fireworks are back to our neighbourhood for one more time.
The show was incredible and it lasted for a good 15 minutes.
I try not to dampen Celine's mood for the festive. She had been looking forward to the fireworks. Did you know she's no longer scared of fireworks? She used to be a scaredy cat but now she has grown up. She loves fireworks and lion dance now. She enjoyed the performance.
Recently I have been having hard time with her. I know she's trying to be her best but some how she always managed to make me angry and end up with scolding. I know deep inside she's quite affected by your demise. She has been telling my friend that she missed you. We make it a weekly event to visit your niche and offer prayers to you. I hope this will add merit to you and you will be reborn in a better world.
I try not to face my feelings. I buried it deep. But there is always something that will trigger my memory of you. Until now all your belongings are still at its original place. Just now when I dig for some documents, I saw all those your promotion letters, your award certificates. In the past, I am very proud of you. I don't know since when I started to lose that feeling towards you. All I feel is hatred and jealous. Yes, jealous. I am so jealous of your achievement. I am so jealous of your capability. You always strive for the best and achieve your goal. But yet because of my jealousy, your future is ruined. I am a total opposite of you. I am such a failure. Always procrastinate and stop half way. Never achieve any of my goal. But I always put the blame on you.
You have wasted your life by choosing me. I don't know if this will make me feel any better.
Since you are gone, I become a timid. I do not dare to do lots of things. Even the horror show that we used to watch together, now I totally do not have the guts to watch. I have no one to fall to when it scares me. I have noone to hug me when it's too gross for me.
Dear, I miss you so so much. I know I have been wasting your life. But you know it makes me realised how much I need you. How childish I am. I wish it was just a dream and I could make it up all over again. I will treasure and cherish you. I would love to spend the rest of my life and stay old with you. I never know how much you love me until you leave me. I really miss you. I'm sure you are in a better world by now.
I would try my best to give the children the best. I hope you can always guide me no matter where you are now.
I love you and will always do.
This year is the first Chinese New Year without you. Ever since you are no longer around, there is no longer festive mood in the house. The fireworks are back to our neighbourhood for one more time.
The show was incredible and it lasted for a good 15 minutes.
I try not to dampen Celine's mood for the festive. She had been looking forward to the fireworks. Did you know she's no longer scared of fireworks? She used to be a scaredy cat but now she has grown up. She loves fireworks and lion dance now. She enjoyed the performance.
Recently I have been having hard time with her. I know she's trying to be her best but some how she always managed to make me angry and end up with scolding. I know deep inside she's quite affected by your demise. She has been telling my friend that she missed you. We make it a weekly event to visit your niche and offer prayers to you. I hope this will add merit to you and you will be reborn in a better world.
I try not to face my feelings. I buried it deep. But there is always something that will trigger my memory of you. Until now all your belongings are still at its original place. Just now when I dig for some documents, I saw all those your promotion letters, your award certificates. In the past, I am very proud of you. I don't know since when I started to lose that feeling towards you. All I feel is hatred and jealous. Yes, jealous. I am so jealous of your achievement. I am so jealous of your capability. You always strive for the best and achieve your goal. But yet because of my jealousy, your future is ruined. I am a total opposite of you. I am such a failure. Always procrastinate and stop half way. Never achieve any of my goal. But I always put the blame on you.
You have wasted your life by choosing me. I don't know if this will make me feel any better.
Since you are gone, I become a timid. I do not dare to do lots of things. Even the horror show that we used to watch together, now I totally do not have the guts to watch. I have no one to fall to when it scares me. I have noone to hug me when it's too gross for me.
Dear, I miss you so so much. I know I have been wasting your life. But you know it makes me realised how much I need you. How childish I am. I wish it was just a dream and I could make it up all over again. I will treasure and cherish you. I would love to spend the rest of my life and stay old with you. I never know how much you love me until you leave me. I really miss you. I'm sure you are in a better world by now.
I would try my best to give the children the best. I hope you can always guide me no matter where you are now.
I love you and will always do.
Wednesday 13 January 2016
New beginning
Time flies.
It has been almost 2 months that you left us. Lots of things have changes around us.
New buildings, new road, new eateries. So many things that I would like to share with you but yet you are nowhere to be found. I dreamed of you 2 days back. It's quite an absurd dream where we are fighting about something, which I can't really recall now. But it feels so real. Just like when you are still alive.
Till now all your belongings still on its place. But its time to have a change.
I have cleared the car. Every single parts of it has your memory. I don't know how I will react when it's time to say goodbye to the car next year. It's like a piece of you were let go again. I always thot I will be ok but when I started to clear your stuff, the memory of you are all back. Only then I know I never let go. I keep holding on the memory of you, every single piece of you. But yet I choose to ignore.
I try to avoid. I don't have the guts to face it. I am such a coward.
Life still has to go on. I love you, dear and always will.
Thursday 31 December 2015
Happy new year
Happy new year, dear.
It's another new year. Too many things happened in 2015. Witness the birth of our precious babies and also the most heartbreaking, to let you go.
Tonight I bring jie jie for the fireworks at the open field. Things we used to do in the past. Counting down at our room's window and watch the fireworks. We will end up with hugging each other and wish each other Happy New Year.
This year I bring jie jie to the view instead. She was really excited.
Do you still remember how timid she was that she always cry when the fireworks started?
But this time she has changed. She has really grown up. She watched it with awe. Our little girl has grown up. I hope she can grow up to be a strong girl.
It was quite a crowd out there. Families are together, celebrating the changing of the year. Yet I cant help myself but breakdown instead. The more crowd there are, the more lonely I feel. There is a missing piece in me that makes me feel so incomplete. How I wish you were here. How I wish that I can hug you for the last time. How I wish I can smell you for the last time. How I wish I can tell you how much I love you. It's just too late. Just like what you used to tell me. It's just too late.
I know I should be happy that you are free from suffering. You are in a better place. I should learn how to let go. But it hurts. It really hurts. My heart was broken into pieces and there is a missing piece now. I can't find it back. Things won't be the same anymore. I still try to hang on. I still wish for the impossible.
People say time will heal. But honestly, it's getting tougher. It's so tough till I can't breathe. A stone was placed on the chest. It's so heavy till I can't breathe.
I no longer have interest in anything. I just live like a soulless cause my other half has gone. I am so sorry for taking you for granted. I am so sorry for letting you lead such a miserable life. I am sorry that I never cherish you. I am sorry that I never love you enough. I am sorry that I never give you the happiness that you long for.
You live a tough life. You give love but never get the return. You are well loved by others but not from your own family. You must have felt so frustrated till you don't have the will to live on. I can totally feel you now. I am so sorry that I have been neglecting your feeling all these while. I have been so selfish. I am so sorry. There won't be enough apology can lessen the guilt I have in me.
They say I need to learn to forgive myself so that I can move on. I try to but each memory makes me feel more and more guilty. The more I think of it, the more I hate myself. Why must have you met me and love me? You deserve someone better. If you never met me, you wont end up in this way.
Good people always leave first and you are one of them. Your good karma release you from all these misery and yet I am still holding on not to let you go. Aren't I selfish? Isn't it enough for you to suffer with me all these while? It's time to let you go. It's time. But I'm just not ready.
When you are around, I always assume I can live by myself. I don't need you. But I was so wrong. Really wrong. Now I can tell you, I can't. I can't live without you. You are the reason why I can be strong. You are the reason why I can do what I can't do. You are the reason that I can be strong.
Now you are no longer around, my world collapsed. Suddenly I feel so scared. Every single thing gives me a fright. I do not dare to explore the unknown. I remember your saying that you are the one who always pay for the mistake that I did. I was so mad at you when you say this. I always assume I am the correct one. Now I realized, I dare to do what I never do or can't , it's because I know you are always be my pillar. My support. No matter what I did, you will always be there to protect me.
Now who is going to protect me? Who is going to be my pillar? I really do not have the courage to go on. I am so scared. I am really scared.
I don't know how will I move on. I maybe will never move on. I love you. I really do. I wish I can show you more love. There are so many regrets in my heart. We might never be together again. You are my love. You will always be in my heart. You will always be the reminder that I should not take others for granted. I shall be brave for the sake of our children.
May you are born in a better life. If we were to meet again, I just want to thank you for loving me and I am really sorry that I have been letting you down. If I were to meet you again, I really want to hug you tight. I miss you. I really miss you.
It's another new year. Too many things happened in 2015. Witness the birth of our precious babies and also the most heartbreaking, to let you go.
Tonight I bring jie jie for the fireworks at the open field. Things we used to do in the past. Counting down at our room's window and watch the fireworks. We will end up with hugging each other and wish each other Happy New Year.
This year I bring jie jie to the view instead. She was really excited.
Do you still remember how timid she was that she always cry when the fireworks started?
But this time she has changed. She has really grown up. She watched it with awe. Our little girl has grown up. I hope she can grow up to be a strong girl.
It was quite a crowd out there. Families are together, celebrating the changing of the year. Yet I cant help myself but breakdown instead. The more crowd there are, the more lonely I feel. There is a missing piece in me that makes me feel so incomplete. How I wish you were here. How I wish that I can hug you for the last time. How I wish I can smell you for the last time. How I wish I can tell you how much I love you. It's just too late. Just like what you used to tell me. It's just too late.
I know I should be happy that you are free from suffering. You are in a better place. I should learn how to let go. But it hurts. It really hurts. My heart was broken into pieces and there is a missing piece now. I can't find it back. Things won't be the same anymore. I still try to hang on. I still wish for the impossible.
People say time will heal. But honestly, it's getting tougher. It's so tough till I can't breathe. A stone was placed on the chest. It's so heavy till I can't breathe.
I no longer have interest in anything. I just live like a soulless cause my other half has gone. I am so sorry for taking you for granted. I am so sorry for letting you lead such a miserable life. I am sorry that I never cherish you. I am sorry that I never love you enough. I am sorry that I never give you the happiness that you long for.
You live a tough life. You give love but never get the return. You are well loved by others but not from your own family. You must have felt so frustrated till you don't have the will to live on. I can totally feel you now. I am so sorry that I have been neglecting your feeling all these while. I have been so selfish. I am so sorry. There won't be enough apology can lessen the guilt I have in me.
They say I need to learn to forgive myself so that I can move on. I try to but each memory makes me feel more and more guilty. The more I think of it, the more I hate myself. Why must have you met me and love me? You deserve someone better. If you never met me, you wont end up in this way.
Good people always leave first and you are one of them. Your good karma release you from all these misery and yet I am still holding on not to let you go. Aren't I selfish? Isn't it enough for you to suffer with me all these while? It's time to let you go. It's time. But I'm just not ready.
When you are around, I always assume I can live by myself. I don't need you. But I was so wrong. Really wrong. Now I can tell you, I can't. I can't live without you. You are the reason why I can be strong. You are the reason why I can do what I can't do. You are the reason that I can be strong.
Now you are no longer around, my world collapsed. Suddenly I feel so scared. Every single thing gives me a fright. I do not dare to explore the unknown. I remember your saying that you are the one who always pay for the mistake that I did. I was so mad at you when you say this. I always assume I am the correct one. Now I realized, I dare to do what I never do or can't , it's because I know you are always be my pillar. My support. No matter what I did, you will always be there to protect me.
Now who is going to protect me? Who is going to be my pillar? I really do not have the courage to go on. I am so scared. I am really scared.
I don't know how will I move on. I maybe will never move on. I love you. I really do. I wish I can show you more love. There are so many regrets in my heart. We might never be together again. You are my love. You will always be in my heart. You will always be the reminder that I should not take others for granted. I shall be brave for the sake of our children.
May you are born in a better life. If we were to meet again, I just want to thank you for loving me and I am really sorry that I have been letting you down. If I were to meet you again, I really want to hug you tight. I miss you. I really miss you.
Thursday 17 December 2015
Move on
Dear,
Today I drove mom to JB and did you know there has been changes in the custom clearance process? I went for car servicing and grocery shopping as usual. When I drove through the familiar road, all memories just flashed back. How we explore new road, new destinations when we just bought our car. How we always drive weekly just to visit some new places. How we hunt for good food.
Now there are more and more new eateries but nobody to share. Suddenly I lost interest in everything, every single thing. I only know I miss you so much, so so much that it hurts. It really hurts.
I always thought I am so capable, I can live without you. But I am so wrong, so wrong. You are the reason that I am strong, you are the reason that I am surviving. Without you, what should I do???
People keep telling me, time heals. But as time goes by, the pain is getting more and more real. Every single breath is painful.
I know I should let you go as you are in better place now but the selfish me really wish I can hug you for one more time.
I love you, dear. Really really love you till it hurts. It really hurts.
Today I drove mom to JB and did you know there has been changes in the custom clearance process? I went for car servicing and grocery shopping as usual. When I drove through the familiar road, all memories just flashed back. How we explore new road, new destinations when we just bought our car. How we always drive weekly just to visit some new places. How we hunt for good food.
Now there are more and more new eateries but nobody to share. Suddenly I lost interest in everything, every single thing. I only know I miss you so much, so so much that it hurts. It really hurts.
I always thought I am so capable, I can live without you. But I am so wrong, so wrong. You are the reason that I am strong, you are the reason that I am surviving. Without you, what should I do???
People keep telling me, time heals. But as time goes by, the pain is getting more and more real. Every single breath is painful.
I know I should let you go as you are in better place now but the selfish me really wish I can hug you for one more time.
I love you, dear. Really really love you till it hurts. It really hurts.
Thursday 10 December 2015
Happy 15th Anniversary, my dear
Happy 15th Anniversary , my dear.
Today supposed to be our 15th wedding anniversary. But you are no longer around to celebrate together. Thank you for being there for me all these while. I have been taking you for granted.
So many sweet memories that we had before. All memories just non stop show up in my mind.
I love you, I really do.
You are the one that show me what love is and make me have the courage to make the biggest decision in my life.
You are the reason that I become strong. But how I wish I can just be a "little woman". Being love and pampered. You know how I long for all those. You know how I miss all those. Now there wont be any chance that I can feel it one more time.
I love you, I really do.
I miss you so much. So much till it hurts. It hurts and I dunno how long to ease the pain.
It bleeds and I wish you were here to ease the pain.
I know it's not possible but yet I keep hanging on the hope. The single hope that it is just a nightmare and things going to be alright.
I should be happy that you are in a better place. Free from all sufferings. But I still long for your presence. I still can't let go.
Tell me how....
I love you and I always will....
Today supposed to be our 15th wedding anniversary. But you are no longer around to celebrate together. Thank you for being there for me all these while. I have been taking you for granted.
So many sweet memories that we had before. All memories just non stop show up in my mind.
I love you, I really do.
You are the one that show me what love is and make me have the courage to make the biggest decision in my life.
You are the reason that I become strong. But how I wish I can just be a "little woman". Being love and pampered. You know how I long for all those. You know how I miss all those. Now there wont be any chance that I can feel it one more time.
I love you, I really do.
I miss you so much. So much till it hurts. It hurts and I dunno how long to ease the pain.
It bleeds and I wish you were here to ease the pain.
I know it's not possible but yet I keep hanging on the hope. The single hope that it is just a nightmare and things going to be alright.
I should be happy that you are in a better place. Free from all sufferings. But I still long for your presence. I still can't let go.
Tell me how....
I love you and I always will....
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